Nine episodes in and for some weird reason, I’m still watching The Event. Maybe it’s because I’m bored, or maybe it’s because it happens to be on after Chuck (which has been pretty dull recently, but that’s a different story). I actually did abandon The Event after the third episode, but I got caught up one day and picked it up again. It’s pretty brainless entertainment, and most of it makes absolutely no sense, but hey, it’s TV, right? Does it even have to make sense?

Let’s recap what has happened so far. Sean Walker (played by Jason Ritter) and his girlfriend, Leila Buchanan (played by Sarah Roemer), have somehow become embroiled in a government conspiracy/cover-up that involves aliens…I mean, “EBEs.” (I wouldn’t want to offend anybody.) Leila’s father, Michael (played by Scott Patterson), was blackmailed into piloting a jumbo jet into a presidential compound in an attempt to assassinate the president, Eli Martinez (played by Blair Underwood), but at the last second, the EBEs opened up some sort of dimensional rift that brought the plane to the Arizonan desert. Meanwhile, Sean and Leila are searching for Leila’s kidnapped sister, Sam, who was taken to a special facility where young girls are aged through some super-secret, mysterious process. The EBEs are also fighting amongst themselves, and their leader, Sophia (played by Laura Innes), does not want to harm humans, whereas many of the others think that it’s necessary for the survival of their species (who look and behave exactly like humans, so why do they give a flying fuck?) Oh yeah, one of the CIA’s top agents, Simon Lee (played by Ian Anthony Dale), is an undercover EBE. And the vice-president (played by Bill Smitrovich) is a traitor who is working with an evil guy played by Hal Holbrook (who is the guy who is orchestrating the little girl aging thingy).

I’d make a snarky comment, but I think that the previous paragraph speaks for itself.

In addition to the twisty, convoluted, we’re-making-this-bullshit-up-as-we-go-along plot, there’s a lot more to love about this show. The acting is deliciously bad. Jason Ritter delivers all his lines like they’re most important, urgent things in the world. Sarah Roemer has a permanent deer-in-headlights expression on her face. Scott Patterson is really, really bad at acting sick. And Laura Innes is just really, really bad at acting. The overacting is reminiscent of a Disney Channel Original Movie. It’s like Johnny Tsunami with guns. (Think of how awesome that movie would have been if it had included firearms. They could have invented a brand new sport: downhill biathlon board. It would’ve been fucking epic.)

But even if the actors were good, they wouldn’t be able to act themselves out of the many gaping plot holes. Sean and Leila are able to magically drive their vehicles at super-speed. Need to get from Georgia to Texas in 2 hours? It’s possible with Sean Walker at the wheel. Plus, Sean and Leila never seem to need to eat or poop, and they have no source of income because they’re on the run from the law (because they were falsely accused of murdering some hippie aboard a cruise ship). So even if they did eat food, they’d be paying for it out of what I assume are large savings left behind by their parents. (Except for Sean has totally cut his parents out of his life, so there goes that theory, along with the part of my brain that has any taste in television.) Plus, there was that whole plot line involving the radiotracer that can be seen from space! Holy shit! That’s amazing! And total scientific bullshit! But still ridiculously awesome! Where can I get one of those radiotracers! Exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, another fun but ridiculous aspect of this show is how much sex figures into the equation. Sophia’s son, Thomas, is trying to overthrow his mother because the woman he’s shagging told him to. (Hey, it’s hard to say “no” to a woman with tits like that.) The origin stories of Simon and the CIA director, Blake Sterling, are essentially the same. Both were in love (read: having lots of crazy monkey sex) but had to leave their partners (because aliens – sorry, EBEs – can’t fall in love with humans and humans can’t fall in love with Russian spies). And Sean and Leila are totally fucking all the time while their various vehicles drive themselves across the United States at warp speed. (That’s the only conceivable explanation.) Apparently, The Event subscribes to the notion that without people making out or being all angsty about how they’re not making out, then you don’t have good drama. And while that’s total bullshit, I appreciate that it serves as an excuse to show attractive people getting it on with each other (and it gave us Necar Zadegan in lingerie, which can never be a bad thing).

This badly-acted, plot-hole-filled train wreck also has a lot of cheesy dialogue. It’s fun to play “complete the line” when watching The Event because you can do so at least a quarter of the time. (Like I said, DCOM with guns.) Another fun game: take a shot every time someone uses a pronoun with an ambiguous antecedent. Sentences like: “He told her that it was what we can’t tell them about the thing that the others did” are common on The Event, so you’ll likely be piss-ass drunk by the end of an episode.

And yet, I can’t tear my eyes away. I love this idiotic mess of a television show. I love watching it get more and more convoluted and nonsensical. I love mocking the plotting, acting, and dialogue. I keep hoping that the aliens will develop something like a shrink ray and use it to reduce humans to squirrel-sized pests. Plus, I’m kinda sorta maybe but not really half-interested in the show’s unanswered mysteries, and when they’re finally resolved, I expect a set of ludicrous answers.

Train wreck or not, I think that I’ve wasted enough virtual ink on The Event. If you want to take this show seriously, then prepare to smash your head against a brick wall several times. If you just want to sit back and laugh at the stupidity of it all, it just might end up like …Baby One More Time; you’ll hate yourself for loving it.

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