Dear Bones fans,

The Bones fandom is in full-on crisis mode. Hart Hanson has taken our beloved show – I underlined “our” because the show is clearly our personal property – and has transformed it into a dramatic disaster about an incompetent journalist named Hannah, played by the ugly, untalented Katheryn Winnick. (And she’s from Canada too! Oh, the horror!) The intent of this letter is clear: we must send a message to Hart that he cannot continue to personally insult us (and our mothers) by testing our patience with this ridiculous significant other storyline.

The current storyline is unacceptable because it has forced Booth to act out-of-character (and I can make such an assertion because I certainly know the characters better than the moronic, incompetent slobs who have spent hours and hours writing for the show). Booth’s previously established personality indicates that he should only be intimate with Brennan, and now, he’s just fucking a sunglasses-stealing whore. (Yes, Hannah used to have sex for money. What do you think she was really doing in Afghanistan?)

Meanwhile, Brennan should be walking around with a halo over her head for suffering silently while Booth fucks the blonde bimbo. Brennan deserves to end up with someone better than Booth, and by “someone better than Booth,” I mean, “Booth the minute he stops fucking Hannah,” because as soon as Hannah leaves, Booth will automatically be a better person, and he can start breaking the laws of physics with Brennan. (They should be careful with that, though; I heard that Zack got written off the show because Eric Millegan violated the first law of thermodynamics.)

It is clear that Hart is uncreative, since he has just lifted this storyline directly from the actors’ personal lives. David Boreanaz cheated on his wife in real life, and his character is being unfaithful to Brennan on the show. Just as David is a huge douchebag in real life, Booth is a huge douchebag on Bones. On the other hand, Emily Deschanel is a vegan, which automatically makes her a good person, just like her character. And just like her character, Emily hates the current storyline. I can tell because I’m adept at reading between the lines in interviews. Emily also agrees with me that Katheryn Winnick is a horrible actress; she just says the opposite in interviews because she’s too nice (unlike Hart and David, who continue to insult me with their douchebaggery and this crappy storyline). Everything about the current situation is a disaster.

But there is hope, my fellow Bones fans. We can take action in several ways. Firstly, we can continue to bombard Hart’s Twitter feed with hateful messages. Eventually, we may hurt his feelings enough that he will change the current storyline in shame. Secondly, it is clear that the recent tiny ratings decline is due to fan dissatisfaction and not one of a hundred other possible factors. We can amplify this trend by tuning out as well until the ratings drop so low that Hart has to put Booth and Brennan together in a panic. Heck, they might even dispose of Hannah in a particularly gruesome way (like repeated stabbing) if the ratings drop far enough. Finally, I am mounting an initiative to replace the current showrunner, Hart Hanson, with a competent fanfiction writer, preferably one who specializes in Booth/Brennan fluff and/or smut. Everyone knows that fanfiction is generally better than the crap that airs on our televisions because amateur writers with no qualifications craft the best stories. I wonder if Hart actually reads fanfiction and realizes how much better it is than his show. With any luck, soon Hart will be the one who is writing fanfic.

The tragedy of the current storyline cannot be allowed to continue. A few weeks ago, my goldfish, Temperance Booth, jumped out of her bowl and died when she saw Hannah befriending Parker. Let that sink in: Hart murdered my goldfish. Temperance Booth’s death cannot be in vain. If you know any fanfic writers who could do a better job than Hart, please e-mail me at hannahmustdie@fakeemail.com. We must fight to have exactly what we say we want to see happen on the show. After all, it is our show; we should be writing the show that we own.

Sincerely,

Merve

 

P.S. I’m pretty sure that Hart Hanson murders babies, has a small penis, and was adopted because his biological mother hated him.

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