Before we begin, I admit: this blog post exists solely because I came up with that snappy title, even though I’m sure somebody else came up with it first.

I’m a masochist. I’ve willed myself to watch the music video for “Friday” by Rebecca Black three times. The first time was out of curiosity. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. The second time was out of stupidity. A friend of mine decided it would be a good idea to blast the song while we ate dinner. The third time was as I was writing this blog post.

Let’s take a closer look at this video – and the associated controversy – after the jump. Maybe I’m just an old fart (I’m really not), but I don’t get this song or this music video. Black begins by singing about her oh-so-interesting typical morning routine. (She eats cereal! Wow!) Then she goes out to the bus stop to wait for her bus, when her friends ride by in a convertible without wearing seat belts. Safety first, you little twerps! Suddenly, Black forgets all about the bus (WTF?), and the central dilemma of the song is introduced: should she sit in the front seat or the back seat of the car? Never mind the fact that there’s no space in the front seat because two people are already sitting there!

We mysteriously skip over the school day. All of a sudden, it’s 7:45 PM and Black is kickin’ it with her girlfriends in the convertible. I can only assume that the original driver of the vehicle got his license suspended for failing to ensure that all his passengers were wearing seat belts, because now, a girl is driving the car while Black and her girlfriends sit on the top of the backseat, their bodies blocking the rear-view mirror’s line of sight. Also, WEAR SEAT BELTS, YOU LITTLE PRICKS.

The kids arrive at a house party – I never went to many house parties as a kid, but I guess they’re “fun fun fun fun” – but before Black goes inside, she has to give us all a lesson in the intricacies of the Gregorian calendar. You see, yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday. Isn’t it exciting? Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. Wow, this is better than Sesame Street!

Uh oh. Cue the token black guy with his kickass rhymes about changing lanes and passing a school bus. (What the fuck is a school bus doing out on the road that late at night?) Patrice Wilson might have reached the nadir of his rap career, but at least he still has his driver’s license. That being said, he might lose it soon, because HE’S NOT WEARING A FUCKING SEAT BELT!

Back to the chorus. Curiously, everyone seems to have forgotten about the house party. They’re all watching Black up on an outdoor stage singing her ode to Friday, and they’re pumping their fists in the air with each “Yeah!” If there weren’t so many colorful lights, Black would look like a rebel leader rallying the troops. (“We want longer weekends, and we won’t stop fighting until we get them!”) Sadly, we’ll never get to find out if their rebellion was successful because this is where the music video ends.

Yes, it’s a shitty music video. And a shitty song. Sung by a thirteen-year-old with a shitty voice. But is it really deserving of comments such as these?

“I hope you go cut [yourself] and die.”

“I hope you cut yourself, and I hope you’ll get an eating disorder so you’ll look pretty.”

I just copy-pasted those from Wikipedia, so I’m assuming that those are some of the tamer comments. And I’ve got to say, if that is indeed the case, then what the fuck is wrong with the Internet users? Yes, Rebecca Black is a talentless teenager whose mommy paid $2000 to Ark Music Factory to have her record a song and make a music video, but she hasn’t done anything to ruin anyone’s life. (Heck, she has decided to donate most of the profits from this endeavour to arts programs in schools and Japanese tsunami relief.) You think this is the worst thing ever to be inflicted upon modern music? Then don’t fucking listen to it!

If you want to blame anything for this video’s sudden surge in popularity, blame this Tosh.0 blog post, which caused the number of views to skyrocket from around 3000 to over 20 million. Blame YouTube, blame Twitter, blame Facebook, blame social media. Just don’t blame a 13-year-old kid and her mother for taking advantage of the system. If anything, be jealous that you weren’t smart enough to do that yourself.

Also, please wear a God damn seat belt. Thank you.