Last night, the giant, glorious, 22-hour mindfuck that was The Event came to a close in spectacular fashion. The aliens (a.k.a. “1%ers” or “EBEs”) used a portal to bring their planet adjacent to Earth. Thus, The Event came full circle. It started with a plane disappearing through a portal and ending up in a desert in Arizona, and it ended with an entire planet being brought through a portal. Unfortunately, the show has been cancelled, so we won’t get to see what effect this would have had on Earth’s orbit in a hypothetical second season, but I can speculate that it would have involved a lot of plot holes, bad acting, and general stupidity.

But you know what? I loved it all the same. I loved snarking at this train wreck, week after week. I’m really going to miss it. Here’s why:

  • No more Vicky, Simon, and Sterling. They were actually pretty awesome (until Vicky fell for Sean…what the fuck was that all about?) I’d totally watch a Hawaii-Five-0-esque show featuring the three of them and Sean. Vicky can be the firepower. Simon can be the muscle. Sean can be the tech guy. And Sterling can be the team leader. Why keep Sean around? I need someone to mock.
  • No more ridiculous plot twists. When Dempsey shot himself, I laughed out loud. And then I was sad that he didn’t shoot Sean too.
  • No more Leila and Sophia. Can we just agree that Sarah Roemer and Laura Innes are two of the most horrible, inexpressive actresses ever to be cast on primetime television? Mocking their inability to deliver their lines convincingly was half the fun of watching this show.
  • No more confusion about who’s an alien and who’s not. Remember when they randomly made Michael an alien even though he had been left languishing in the quarantine along with the rest of the airplane’s passengers? That was an awesome twist, if only because it allowed me to refer to Leila and her forgotten sister Sam as “half-breeds.” But Michael wasn’t the only character whose alien status was in question. The series ended with the most epic cliffhanger ever: the first lady is an alien! Holy shit! I never saw that coming, even with all of that blood test crap.
  • No more respected Hollywood actors stuck in terrible roles. Oh, Hal Holbrook and Virginia Madsen, what were you thinking?
  • No more unexplained mysteries. What the fuck was up with those scrolls? We never found out, but apparently they had something to do with the titular “event.” (Which we never got to see, by the way. *throws tantrum*) And what was Dempsey doing with the little girls’ age-defying juice? And why is Sean the “chosen one?” Fuck it, they might as well have handed him Excalibur and told him to stride off into battle.
  • No more random face heel turns. Oh, whatever will I do now that I can’t see good people/aliens turn evil at the drop of a hat? Sophia went from peace-loving, benevolent leader to virus-releasing mega-bitch. And Jarvis went from ineffectual jackass to full-on villain. Damn, I wish this show could have ended with Sophia and Jarvis getting stoned to death or cut up with lasers or eaten by sharks. It would have served those assholes right.
  • No more fucked-up science. A deadly variant of the Spanish flu that can kill human beings within a matter of hours? Shit, we’re all fucked.
  • No more Vicky. This bears repeating because Taylor Cole is hot. Like really, really hot. Damn.

So, yes. I will miss The Event. Hopefully, one of next season’s big serialized epics – Alcatraz, Terra Nova, Missing, or The River – will be equally disastrous so I can have a new target to mock.

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